Well it's good bye from me! Here is my very last column in the Kent and Sussex Courier, due out in tomorrow's paper; I've been the Central Tonbridge Correspondent for nearly four years but it's time to call it a day. This is the unedited version, which is usually quite a bit different from the edited version once the subs have hacked it to pieces. Don't worry Tonbridge blog will continue and hopefully blossom into a wonderful must-read Tonbridge source of information and gossip:

A gentleman visited me this week desperately seeking a book which will give him information on giant vegetable growing. The Tonbridge allotment holder claims to have grown a beetroot weighing in at over six pounds and was keen to learn whether this was anywhere near the record. To my amazement I found that there is a book called The Biggest Beetroot in the World by Michael Leapman. Anyone who knows the answer to this or who has grown bigger vegetables please contact this column.  

 

The West Kent Poetry Competition results were announced at The West Kent Book Fair last Sunday. The competition, about to enter its fifth year, has attracted a very high standard of entries each year and this year really was quite exceptional. The winner who received a prize of £100, was Margaret Beston, from Tonbridge, with her wonderful poem Darning; runner up was Silent Night by William Wood; third place went to The Not so Few by Trevor Lawrence. There will be an anthology of the winners, published by Green Arrow Publishing available from MR. Books Bookshop, Bank Street, Tonbridge, or by mail order, further details are on www.mrbooks.co.uk Chairman of the judging panel, John Dench, commented that the standard of the entries was very high this year but that he felt Margaret’s poem has all the right ingredients: beautiful imagery, combined with good use of alliteration and verse structure.

 

The ever popular Nellie’s Folk Night will be held at the Ivy House pub on Monday from 8pm in the main bar.  Bring along an instrument or your vocal chords or simply just go along to listen.

 

Popular local speaker and author, John Ray, will be speaking about the RAF in the Second World War on Friday November 7 at 8pm in the Parish Church of St. Peter and St. Paul. Admission is £3 on the door with all proceeds going to The Royal Star and Garter Home.

 

Poetry at the Pub will be held at the Ivy House, on the corner of Bordyke and Tonbridge High Street, on Thursday in the main bar from 8pm. The event is totally open mike and attracts a wide variety of styles and people aged from 18 to a gentleman called Gerry Stubbs, who is 88. The event is on the first Thursday of each month.

 

There will be a postcard collectors fair at the Angel Centre on Sunday from 10am to 4pm.

 

For one night only on Saturday November 8 at 7-30pm The Little Bridge Theatre Company will present A Time to Remember, a one act recital of song, poetry and personal testimony in honour of those who have served there country. Tickets are £5 and can be bought on the door or in advance by phoning 01732 362348.

 

It’s always a pleasure to wander along to the Angel Flea Market, today and every Friday from 8am to 1pm, where there are a whole range of things available from World War One bayonets and militaria to jewellery and buttons. Organiser Sue Carmichael has been working tirelessly over the years to make the weekly event the success it has become.

 

The Tonbridge Country Market will be selling its usual mix of lovely fresh cakes, including my personal favourite the almond sponge cake, together with home grown fruit and vegetables today (Friday) from 8-30am to 11am in the scout hut, Lambert’s Yard, just off the High Street.

 

And finally, I have very much enjoyed writing this column and have hopefully kept you all informed and, sometimes, entertained. During the few years that I have been writing I have heard stories of courage, stories of achievement in the community, selfless work for others. I’ve learnt about bell ringing, Tonbridge Ware making, wood carving and other almost forgotten crafts. I’ve had the pleasure to hear from event organisers, artists, businessmen and publicans. But all good things must come to an end so a big thank you to you all. If you wish to stay in touch go to my web site  www.tonbridgeblog.com or visit me at MR. Books Bookshop at 2 Bank Street, Tonbridge.

 

For those of you that wanted to come to the Book Fair, but couldn't, or wouldn't, because of the orrible drizly weather, you probably missed out on the best one to date. We had books, lots of books, old books, new books, educational books, rare books and yet more books. We had poetry, storytellers, childrens stories, and lovely cups of tea and coffee with biccies. There were lots of really nice books at the fair but easily the most eye catching were Clive Sayer's display of pop ups; he'd brought along a small selection from his collection of over 5,000. If you click on the link above you can just about hear the revving of the Harley Davidson motor cycle! Now that would fill up a whole shop of just pop up books. If Mr. Sayer ever wishes to give up his Beat n' Track music shop on Quarry Hill Parade, Tonbridge, he could open a Pop up Books shop. Now there's an idea. Maybe in five or six years time there'll be several book shops in the town and we could become a mini Hay on Wye, which if you don't know, is a small town in Wales which hosts a massively successful, long running literary festival and has over 40 bookshops squeezed into a its narrow streets. Book lovers heaven on earth!....

I rather like reading the bi-weekly Private Eye magazine, in fact I used to be a subscriber. These days I just buy it as and when I remember and get the urge to read more of its biting satirical and querky views on the world around us. So the other day while walking along Tonbridge High Street I thought "...maybe the new issue of Private Eye is out by now..." so in I popped to WH Smiths books and magazine "specialists" I looked round the racks of mags for a short while; I looked in weeklies, I looked in news, I looked everywhere and couldn't at first spot it. So I thought I'd ask the sales assistant on the magazine counter. "I've not heard of that one!" was her reply, "What genre is it?" she said, I think to impress me (so I don't think she was thick) "You know..." I said "...Ian Hislop, that cheeky fellow on Have I Got News For You..." She looked at me gone-out, which led me to the conclusion that the assistant knew absolutely nothing at all about magazines. Maybe I'm being harsh, but wouldn't you expect them to have at least heard of the magazines that they are selling? She did help me find it in the end by asking someone else. So I went out reasonably happy but slightly annoyed with the state of modern shops. Actually, just before I left the shop I asked where the local books were kept to which the man who had helped me find the Eye said "I work on magazines you'll have to ask over in books" (which was five feet away) Shouldn't he have known if he works in the shop, or was it alright for him just to know were the mags were kept? It beggars belief. What do you reckon?... 

The other day I was walking past the parking ticket machine at the Castle car park and noticed a shiney new 5 pence coin on the floor. A whole shilling, two tanners, a week's wages in Victorian times for the working class man. No one else around, all I had to do was bend down, grab ahold of it and I could have been 5p richer. But I didn't, maybe because I've had a bit of a sore back recently, maybe because I was in a bit of a rush; but I think mainly, simply, because it wasn't worth the effort. Afterall 5p will buy you virtually bugger all these days, not even a sachet of tomato ketchup at the chippie. When I were a lad (and it doesn't seem so very long ago) I could buy a sixpenny mix which was chips, mushy peas and batter scaps for, well sixpence, that's six old pence, half a shilling. My God, I thought to myself afterwards, now I won't even reach down to the ground for it. Also this week, I was short of silver change for the Somerfield newly imposed car parking charge; some lads were at the machine who I asked to change some copper coins for a 5p. They were very helpful and said "...here have 10p instead of 5p mate..." and they wouldn't take my coppers, saying that they didn't want that "shrapnel" filling up their pockets. So, there you are, there's a business idea in these harsh economic times: stand around change machines asking anyone for 5 pence coins. Within a week you may collect a small, if heavy, fortune....

Some fellow who claims to have grown a beetroot weighing in at 6lbs and 6ounces on an allotment in Tonbridge has just walked into shop asking for a book which would tell him the record for vegetable growing and the like. We dug out a copy of the Guinness Book of Records and there where some giant pumpkins and tomatoes featured among the giant sized fruit and veg. But, alas, no beetroots. So he spent some time in the shop looking through the gardening section to see if we had anything appropriate. To cut a long story short I ended up suggesting that maybe there was a new book, which I could order in, on the subject. There were a few actually, but none seemed quite what the customer wanted. Then I thought maybe we'll search on "beetroot", cos you never know! And blow me down if there wasn't the exact title that he'd been looking for and I kid you not: The Biggest Beetroot in the World: Giant Vegetables and the People Who Grow Them by Michael Leapman. Bingo! But did he order a copy? Did he fruit and veg! He said he'd get back to me on that one. Now I know there's a credit crunch being rammed down our throats by the media but come on! Life's too short not to have the things you want when they're absolutely spot on and under twenty quid isn't it? I almost felt like saying look I'll buy the book for you mate. (Like I said almost but not quite) Who'd be a bookseller eh?....

Here is my column for this week as it was written and probably before their sub editors got hold of ...   more »

  

Yes it's the West Kent Book Fair and Literary Event this weekend. It's incredible how quick they come around. I've been working on this one on and off, since August, so it will, I confess, be good to get this week out of the way. But that doesn't mean that I won't enjoy the day; and why shouldn't anyone. After all there are around 25 booksellers travelling from far and wide to be there, traditional storytellers David England and Mark Bedford are coming (and being paid) to perform at around 11-30am and they really are worth listening to. Then there'll be Poetry at the Fair, Children's Story time, literary quizzes, spot prizes, the chance to join in a game of Bookchase, which is a new literary boardgame and if that's not you cup of tea, you can sit down in the cafe area and have a cup of tea (or coffee for that matter) Put it in your diary and get a shiney 50p handy (I know it's ridiculously cheap) Kids go free. There's won't be another fair along until April next year so don't go arranging to see friends, or going on a half term break. Go for a walk around the park, then go and have a browse around the fair at Tonbridge School, visiting Mr. Books on the way of course. See you there. What do you mean you're playing with the kids' X-Box 360!!..

If you are ever passing around that bend at Tudeley on your way to Paddock Wood or Five Oak Green you might just catch a glimpse of the old Saxon Church down the end of a short lane on your left. Unless you are particularly interested in old church buildings you'd probably pass it by in your haste to get to the giant Somerfield over at PW. If you did have the time, actually you should make time, park up next to the church and stroll inside. You'll be taken aback at the beauty of the stained glass windows, which are by celebrated artist Marc Chagall who apparently only ever designed this particular set of windows as a one off project. They really are quite breath takingly stunning, especially if the sun is shining through them. Go there on a quite day, in a reflective mood and you'll be rewarded. There is a sad note to the windows though as they were commissioned by the Goldsmid family of nearby Somerhill House to commerate the death of their daughter, Sarah Venetia, who died in a sailing accident off Rye in 1963 aged only 21....

I've just heard from an extremely reliable source that visitors Eastbourne were beaten, nay trounced by the Tonbridge Juddians first XV this afternoon. I understand that the score was another cricket score of a result, 65 to nil. Let me repeat that: SIXTY FIVE  TO NIL. The result of this cup game is all the more impressive given that the Eastbourne team are in the league ABOVE TJs. It seems that all that hard work (and, let's be frank, money) is paying off. I'm told that the atmosphere down the TJ's Slade clubhouse is postively buzzing; it's amazing what the upward spiral of success can bring. But let's keep things in perspective boys it's still early in the season so you all need to stay fit and stay focussed, don't be complacent and keep that postive mental attitude. Alright I confess I am a frustrated closet sports coach just bursting to get out of this poet/bookseller skin!...

The poems have been judged and the winners, highly recommended and commended entries have been chosen. The are.... to be announced at the West Kent Book Fair and Literary Event on Sunday October 26th, Tonbridge School, Old Big School hall, at around 2-30pm just before the open mic poetry session, which I know you've all been eagerly anticipating....

Well attempted robbery anyway. The thief I apprehended was not a "kid" as some of you have assumed; he was in fact a man in his early to mid fifties, about 5ft 8, with greying hair, a fairly tanned face (from all that dossing about and holidays on his ill gotten gains no doubt!) with an earing in one ear. He was wearing jeans and a navy blue water proof, football, or maybe fishing jacket. He was carrying a heavy looking black rucksack, which I suspect was heavier than when he'd started his day in Tonbridge, and I suspect his wallet was the same weight if you get my meaning. Have I calmed down after yesterday's incident? Yes a bit although my views on him are the same: he's a low life thieving SCUMBAG with the morals of a sewer rat, I hope he goes to Saudi Arabia and gets caught there for stealing and they punish him in the way that I wanted to yesterday. A bit harsh you might think, but I wonder if next time, for there's sure to be a next time, he'll pull out a knife or cosh and some poor old shop worker, who just happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time gets a life changing experience or much worse....

I couldn't believe the audacity! I've just this minute caught a tea leaving sod nicking books in my shop. Red handed, bang to rights. He obviously didn't realise that I could see him and thought he was invincible or something. He was busily filling up his anorak with Billy Bunters, and I've had around 15 of the same type stolen already over the course of the last few months, so I accosted him saying words to the effect "Do you want to stop nicking those books?" He obviously tried to deny the crime so I think I may have, in the heat of the moment, grabbed hold of him momentarily to stop him walking out of the shop with the swag. He then went around the back of the shop and put the books down, which had been up his jacket. I then invited him to leave the shop in no uncertain terms and asked him if he'd rather I called the Police. He said "Naa you don't wanna do thaat!" So off he toddled around the corner off to rob some other poor unsuspecting shopkeep or, very likely some old granny. They really are the scum of the earth these people who will prey on the weak and vulnerable the easy targets, the small businesses who haven't invested a fortune on security equipment. Well if you are out there mate, I've got your number, I've got your face on a security recording and you'll never come in my shop again. I suggest you give Tonbridge a wide berth as well you thieving tosser, unless of course you live here, in which case I'll probably see you around. Go and get a job instead of pretending you're some kind of mafia big crime Billy Big Shot. I've got news for you, and you probably already knew it deep down anyway. YOU ARE LOW LIFE SCUM.....

I've decided to scoop myself (and the Courier) by including my Friday column below; it is after all not that ...   more »

Just when you thought it was safe to go shopping at Tonbridge Sainsbury's again along come those ruffian youth hoody types! Mind you, whatever you think about them, you just have to admire their balance and poise. See the YouTube clip HERE of them in action at Tonbridge skate park, some old buildings in London and of course the unofficial skate board ramps, better know as the Sainsbury's car park . If hanging around shopping arcades and derelict buildings were an Olympic sport then who knows how far these kids could go....

That's Penshurst Off Road Cycling to you and me.  Now you won't catch me doing any of these tricks on my bike but I have to hand it to these kids at PORC they are quite amazing. Some of the down hill bikes (I'm sure that's probably the wrong name for them) cost around £4,000 each. The kids wear  elbow pads, knee and chin pads and boy do they need them. You should see some of those runs; most people wouldn't even attempt to climb down them, let alone ride down them! Some kids just have no fear. The jump bikes I discovers are different again. I'm probably wrong but I think they are more like BMX bikes, the bikes that have fixed wheels and really low seats, which you see teenagers doing wheelies on in the Tonbridge Sainsbury's car park. In the street they look ridiculous, like a clown's bike but at PORC they look totally in place, not out of place. Click on this link to Alternative Tonbridge blog to see the videos and I'm sure there's som even better ones on YounTube. OK these kids probably spend all of their spare time at PORC when they should be doing home work and they probably have really indulgent parents who buy them all the expensive kit but I really was flipping flabergasted at some of them....

Entries have been positively flooding in, as usual, right on the deadline for the West Kent Book Fairs annual Poetry Competition, now in it's fourth year. I never understand why people don't just enter during the course of the year. That way the organisers wouldn't live in constant fear of not having enough entry fees in to cover the admin, the prize money and the winners anthology (pictured) and we wouldn't have to think about how the hell we will tell the winners that there isn't enough money to cough up for the prizes and that they might have to take book vouchers instead. But where would the fun be in that kind of security. Anyway you'll all be pleased to know that Mr. Books and Green Arrow Publishing, the organisers of the comp, have now just about got enough money in to cover it all and that we are on schedule to announce the winners during Poetry at the Fair at around 2-30pm at the Book Fair, Big School, Tonbridge School on Sunday October 26th. Be there and be square!  If you are still pondering on which poem, from your soon to be published anthology, to enter then tough luck buster the competition is now closed (unless you really plead with me)....

Tonbridge blog has spoken to Ghost Connections, who are a local "Paranormal Investigation Team" and they think that the happenings are suffiicient to warrant going in there with their equipment, presumably an orb spirit detector and vacuum cleaner, to conduct tests. Dave at GC did say that normally their investigations are "scientifically unsound", in other words they cannot offer any conclusive scientific proof, but that he has had "plenty" or paranormal experiences and that "... the first ghost sighting must be (his) most memorable..." I'll report back on this just as soon as there's any inconclusive proof to report back on. Look come on I've got to be a sceptic, my bookshop is in the same building for Pete's sake. Did someone say Pete? are you there Pete? Tell us about the other side. Oh my God I just felt that chilling feeling down my spine, I know what Dave at GC is talking about!...

As today is National Poetry Day (of course you knew that didn't you) I offered to read out a poem live on KMFM, as indeed I did just that last year on the lovely Vanessa Elms show on last year's day of celebration of the verse. DJ Richard Walters decided that he wouldn't trust the uncertainty of live radio braodcasting and decided to perform it himself instead of letting me do it. The poem was The Credit Crunch, by Mark Richardson (who he?) as seen below. He did his best bless him, but you see Richard, it is quite difficult to perform a poem when you're reading it for the first (at best second) time. So just let me read it out next time mate. Thanks for the plug for Mr. Books Bookshop though, I need all the help I can get so I don't want to sound too ungrateful. Incidentally Poetry at the Pub, open mic nights, are held at The Ivy House and not at Mr. Books bookshop as you said; I do welcome anyone to the shop who wants to come in and perform their own material, but 30 people in the shop might be a bit of a squeeze and I can't risk someone spilling red wine on me set of leather bound Henry Fieldings! Right, for now, I'm Frank Bough, which rhymes with off...

Look, it is true, I'm not being modest. Roger McGough, I do admit does poetry better than me. I love it and I love perfoming his and other's poems out at open mic poetry gigs and I do quite like some of mine but he does write some wonderfully observant stuff, it has to be said. So, since he's always reading out other poets works on Radio 4's Poetry Please,  I feel sure that Mr. McGough won't mind if I recite one of his which seems particularly appropriate in these uncertain times:

The Leader

I wanna be the leader

I wanna be the leader

Can I be the leader?

Can I? I can?

Promise? Promise?

Yippee, I'm the leader

I'm the leader

OK what shall we do?

(Roger McGough)

Credit Crunch

(Don’t you feel so sorry for those City Boys?)

 

Those City Boys

They love their gadgets and little toys

They love their Porsche and Ferrari cars

Fully kitted,

With sat nav and anti-speed check radars

Fitted.

 

They swagger and they sway

No one gets in their way!

Another round of drinks on the tray.

More shallow girls wanting to play.

Off with some wedge to a modern art gallery

Not connoisseurs but with big fat salaries.

 

They’re the ones who say

They’ll call us

So long as they get their big fat bonus.

Telephone number pay cheques of which most of us can only dream

To them are just the standard,

Cos they’re the cats who always got the cream.

 

They’re the boys with loadsamoney

So I have to say it’s not very funny

That now we suffer from the “credit crunch”

Those City Boys, well, they’re out to lunch!

 

No, no it’s not with champagne and caviar

This time

But, just like the rest of us,

They’re queuing up at the sandwich bar!

 

 

As you are all no doubt aware the Poet Mick Imlah has just won the Forward Prize, which is the sort of Oscars for Poetry. His anthology The Lost Leader was apparently a clear winner, with absolutely no arguments between the judges (in itself unusual) I do hope that it's not as high brow as last year's winner, Sean O'Brien's The Drowned Book, because if it is I don't think that I'll be able to understand hardly any of it. And this comment is coming from someone who loves modern poetry in it's various forms and organises a monthly poetry night. I'm afraid that some of these judging panels can be so up their own arses inward thinking that the rest of us are just left to feel excluded from the academic inner circle. Of all people Joanna Lumley, spoke out about this very thing in the Daily Mail recently, so it's not just me. I will be buying the new winner's anthology though because I suppose you have to stay open minded. The biggest growth area in the poetry world is Spoken Word poetry by the likes of Polar Bear and Scrubious Pip, (well they have to have catchy names don't they!) and it's easy to see why: they're far from high brow, they appeal to a much larger (and younger) audience and they sound good and are often set to music. Different forms which cannot be compared you might say; well people (like me) do compare them and decide which are more thought provoking and entertaining. There has to be a balance between the two surely....

There's growing eveidence that in these harsh economic times more and more people are turning there backs on expensive forms of entertainment and turning towards, yes you've guessed it, BOOKS. Yes indeed, pretty cheap couple of nights in is a book, especially when bought secondhand, although new books can also be cool too. Books on thrifty subjects, so I'm told, such as Jamie Oliver's Ministry of Food, are very popular at the moment. Curiously though also popular are books about extreme wealth and opulent lifestyles. We saw it in thearly 1980s with TV programmes like Dynasty and Dallas and books like Jackie Collins and Jilly Cooper's really taking off. The escapism that a book book can deliver, it seems, just cannot be beaten. But then again I would say that being a bookseller wouldn't I....

More on the Ghosts of the White Horse Inn: whether or not you believe in ghosts, spooks, gouls, witches, orbs etc. etc there are people around who take the subject very seriously indeed. One such organisation, who of course has a web site, is Ghost Connections, who are based locally, and have connections all over the South East, nationally and across into the other side! In fact I've met some of them in Mr. Books. Strange that they didn't pick up on any ghostly vibes but then again maybe the spirits have taken up residence since their last visit (does it work like that?)  In fact Tonbridge blog is going to contact them to see if they'll conduct an orb test, or whatever they do, in the upstairs rooms of the Old White Horse Inn. Sends a shiver down your spine just thinking about what foul dark forces they may discover up there....

Apparently the occupant of the upstairs office above Mr. Books Bookshop in Tonbridge, formerly the White Horse Inn, died over 200 years ago. No that can't be right; actually though he is so spooked by these strange goings on, so I'm told, that he seriously is expressing that he'd like to move out. Those damned poltergeists if only they'd just lay off and get on with being dead. Cross to the other side and stop bugging us will youuuuuuu....

For a few months now I've been hearing noises  in my bookshop, coming from upstairs. Floor boards creaking, things moving around, loud bangs as objects drop to the floor. Very spooky happenings. Or is it that some new office staff have just moved in upstairs; that would be the easy way to explain it to the sceptic! Do you believe in the paranormal, do you believe that there's someone out there, that disturbed souls wander around our town. The building where Mr. Books stands is actually part of a row of houses which are at least 500 years old, not far from here people would have been tortured and executed and murdered at the 1,000 year-old Castle. In fact the site of the Old Fire Station is about where the live stock where slaughtered and sometimes public executions where held in medieval times, tortured souls. Warners solicitors offices were previously Bank Street School, before that they were the Workhouse, where people in abject poverty went when they had no other choice. Many of them died before their time of disease and the strain of the hard existence. More tortured souls. So it's not surprising then that there should be at least one ghost in the Mr. Books building, which used to be the market traders' pub, The White Horse Inn. Now you might think that this is just a publicity stunt, that no ghosts exist. Tonbridge blog is actually a big sceptic about these matters but even I cannot deny that I have had a cold shiver when ever I've gone into the upstairs rooms. The previous occupants moved out after only a year, the recruitment consultants, who where there before that went bust and mysteriously left everything as if they had had to up sticks in a great hurry. White boards were left in mid training sessions, coffee cups were left undrunk, windows were left open; dust was left to settle and before long the rooms resembled a shrine to a different age. Ok I am exagerating slightly, but the current occupants have told me that they've felt a presence in the room at the very top of the building, that radios have suddenly lost most of their sound if they've been played too loudly, as if someone was trying to tell them something, as if someone, or something, was being disturbed from its sleep. T blog will report more on these ghostly presences if they'll let meeeeeeee.....

Actually you didn't miss an awful lot on Alternative Tonbridge blog whilst T blog was down, just me ranting on and on about some more poetry:

Don't forget that it's National Poetry Day on Thursday October 9th, which unfortunately does not this year coincide neatly with Poetry at the Pub, as it did last year, which is a shame, which takes place on on Thursday October 2nd at the Ivy House pub at the corner of Bordyke and the High Street in Tonbridge, where, I'm told the mentalist landlord is going on hunger strike in protest of the death of the pub trade because of greedy property owners who know nothing about running a boozer; and if you've really not had enough Tonbridge's West Kent Book Fair will take place at Tonbridge School on Sunday October 26th all day and will include Traditional Storytellers and Poetry at the Fair, another open mic session but this time in the amazingly accoustics of Old Big School Hall, which (pause for breath) is at the tail end of Tonbridge Arts week, which this year goes on for a whole month. Now that was a long sentence, which is why poetry is so much better than prose!...

And we're back up again. I'm going to have to work out how to get more bandwidth from 123-reg, the site administrators but you know in the meantime you can always go to Alternative Tonbridge blog if this one's not up and running.....