Some handsome, some average looking, some just plain ugly, some not even worthy of a photo, just a silhouette. Faces starring out of my computer screen. All with one thing in common: they all share my name. Facebook, the social networking site can be quite humbling if you do a search on your own name you will come up with hundreds (five hundred in my case) of entries. All for people who share your name. It's even more humbling if you try it on Google....

If my bike was nicked from the High Street I'd be mightily pissed off I can tell you that. So why then did I laugh out loud when I heard on the radio just now that "Call me Dave" Cameron has just had his stolen from outside a shop in London. Did he lock it up? Will he go back to his chaffeur driven car? Will he propose a clamp down on bike thieves? We'll see....

I wrote this poem a few years ago after seeing my children breaking up for the summer holidays from Hildenborough Primary School; and now that I'm a school gate veteran it seems less appropriate to me, but it did capture one moment in my life quite well (with a bit of poetic licence of cause.) I've never been more glad to be wearing sunglasses, which enabled me to disguise my emotions. Maybe it'll strike a chord with some of you (especially the dads) as you relax and enjoy some time with your kids this summer. 

My Cool Sports Shades 

For the first time

I witness this touching spectacle

Before my eyes,

Unexpectedly tearful,

Behind my cool sports shades

In the warm July sun.

 

Smiling teachers

Beaming children shouting, excited;

Laughter.

“Freedom!” they cry.

 

Teachers grin sighs of relief,

Saying their final Goodbyes to parents,

They share hugs from the tearful

Girl leavers

And one or two boys.

 

Shirts signed by all their mates

From collar to tail.

Touching embraces, from secret sweethearts.

(Maybe one day, who knows?)

Or in another life perhaps.

 

Boys thinking they’re men,

Girls become women so fast.

 

Then first my boy

Through the crowd,

His face gradually appears, as I pick him out

His face relieved yet sad,

As he hands me a painting, of Everest.

(So many mountains to climb!)

 

Then my daughter

Like a fairytale princess

Sees me before I spot her.

Smiling, handing me paintings,

Notepads, pencil case and bag.

I become the porter for a whole year’s worth of kids stuff,

Like a cricket umpire; it’s part of my day.

 

“Year six now!”

“Year two now!”

But first that long rest in between awaits them.

 

“Pyjama Day tomorrow!”

 

It’s the end of term!

 

I dab a tear secretly

From the corner of my eye,

Behind my cool sports shades.

 

My favourite Tonbridge places: The Ivy House is somewhere I've always liked right from the first day I moved to the town nineteen years ago. I like the beer, I like the fact that it's essentially a country pub, but in the town centre. I can't comment on the food because in all these years I've never actually eaten there. Tonbridge School is somewhere that I had very little to do with for about the first fifteen years of living here; since starting to hold a book fair there a few years ago I've actually grown rather fond of the place. In fact, having read someof the history of the big school I'm pretty convinced that there would have been no sizeable town without its foundation and subsequent success. I love the Gothic-style buildings and the grounds behind; I'm rather jealous of the facilities and often wonder how well I might have done given that sort of a start in life. I do hope those boys realise just how lucky they are! The Castle lawn, the town bridge with the early evening sun glinting off it; the park on a Sunday morning, so full of life; the swimming pool on a sunny Monday morning when most people are at work; the Little Bridge; the walk behind the parish church away from the hussle and bustle of the traffic; little known charming places like Charlton Terrace between Mill Crescent and Mill Place gives an unexpected taste of a much older town; the Happy Cuisine Indian Restaurant because the food's just so tasty...... my God this could go on forever, so I think this could become a regular feature

Tonbridge blog netted nearly 55,000 hits in the month of June! That's only the second time since the site was launched that the hit rate has been over the 50,000 mark. Not bad for a daily rant, sometimes upbeat and witty (though I say so myself) sometimes down right depressing (depending on the mood of the author) but hopefully most of the time informative and entertaining. The site has no commercial backing whatsoever and Tblog intends to keep it that way; it's the only way to keep complete commercial independence. Many a local advertising-led site would be jealous of these figures I can assure you; just have a look at some of the tat that these sites trawl out (there are some links to them on the right if you really must) and you can see why hardly anyone reads them, there's nothing in them to read! Thanks for all your comments, I really do read every one of them. I  enjoy reading some very diverse views and hope that many more will join the regulars in getting things off their chest. That's the beauty of blogging you can share the problem by putting across a point or having a good old rant. Have I ever had to censor them? Yes but oinly if they have been really abusive or if they've been too commercially driven; certainly I've never censored a comment because I don't happen to agree with it. I never thought I'd say this but it would be nice to actually meet a few of you; most of you know who I am and where to find me but I've only ever met two or three of you lot(at least that is to my knowledge.) If you'd rather stay completely anonymous then that's perfectly fine, but if you feel the urge to reveal your identity to me privately, in a mad moment, then go ahead....

Two young men play against two older senior players and face a dilema on the fifth tee at Poult Wood Golf Course. Do they risk the long drive over the trees or opt for the safety of two shots around the dog leg, therefore avoding the trees. The senior players offer some friendly, helpful advice: "When we were your age we'd drive over those trees and be on the green in one shot!"  So, not wishing to be out done by the old timers, the young bucks go for glory and of course whack both their balls into the thick trees and end up losing them and the game. In the club house after the round, they ask the old boys if they were telling the truth about being able to drive over the trees, or was it just bravado? "Yes of course we could drive over the trees when we were your age!" They boasted. "But when we were your age the trees were only 4 feet tall!"   Thankyou, and that was my one and only golf joke....

I'm afraid I'm feeling rather jaded and have writers block (or is that bloggers block) so once again here's your opportunity to post something about main issues effecting Tonbridge and the surrounding towns and villages. Are we better than Sevenoaks or Tunbridge Wells. Where would we come in a league table of best places to live or work? What does the town need more than anything else? Do we need a council based in the town rather than ten miles away? If so would that really make any difference?....

What with the British record of three stage wins set by Mark Cavendish yesterday I thought it might be a good idea to wear my special Le Tour T shirt which I had printed this time last year to mark that day when The Tour de France swept flamboyantly through Tonbridge. Well it's a bit of a waste if I never wear it again isn't it? Even if I do look a prat.... PS. Any French speakers out there are welcome to correct my clumsy Franglais grammar!

An old lady phoned me recently to see if I'd been door knocking around the Hildenborough area. As it turned out someone had been claiming to be Mr. Books in order to get a foot in the door. I found this particular form of identity theft to be despicable but, having said that, I guess there was a positive in there somewhere. I must be well enough known for someone to attempt that con. This however pales into insignificance compared with the sheer audacity of a man called Derek Williams who has been earning his money as a Sven Goran Eriksson lookalike. It's in the press today that "Sven" walked into the Pumas, a top Mexican team's training camp (I should say that the real Ericksson is now the Mexican national coach, if you didn't know) with a girl on each arm, spoke at length to the team's  first team coach about tactics and selection strategy and then gave press interviews and posed for photos for the Mexican media. Very amusing, but at the same time a little worrying that he was able to gain access and fool everyone....

Remember the excitement in Tonbridge, remember the yellow jersey, the famous maillot jeune, remember the polka dotted King of Le Quarry 'ill. It's still hard to believe that the hill which admittedly causes me to puff a little and occasionally to get off and walk, could be compared to those monster mountains of the Alps and Pyrenees, but it was. It's even harder to believe that all that fun and excitement was a whole year ago! Things haven't changed that much though because the doping scandals continue. In this years Tour the latest cyclist to be chucked off is the Italian Riccardo Ricco, who has already won two stages whilst presumably snorting glue or some other noxious substance. You'd think they'd have all learnt by now wouldn't you; but the thing is the stakes, and the potential glory, are so high that they clearly think it's worth the risk. Despite this, I'll always remember that long awaited moment that the peleton came swooping around the corner of Bordyke and onto the High Street, preceded by the colourful promotional caravan and Gendarmes on motorcycles. It was the day that La Belle France came to our town, albeit so briefly. What a moment! For me it was worth the much-hyped anticipation and waiting on the street corner which I'd managed to claim as mine. It's just a shame that year after year it seems that these finely-tuned athletes will stop at nothing to gain those extra few tenths of a second....

Somerfield is set to disappear from Tonbridge High Street after the Co-op bought them out today for a cool 1.57 billion squid. That's a hell of alot of tins of baked beans they'll have to sell to get that back! Of course they didn't just buy the Tonbridge one but the whole of the Somerfield group of 880 stores. Due to the complexities of these big business deals they may sell off around 100 of these stores to their bigger rivals so we could yet see Tesco getting a foothold in Tonbridge after all. Read more in an article on the Guardian's site if you like. I must say I'll miss the Tonbridge store, it was always very handy, although it was never the same once they started charging for parking. I mean how dare they! You used to be able to park there for nowt, go to the Post Office, do all your shopping in the High Street and then go back and pick up a tin of chopped tomatoes and a bag of apples all within an hour. Now you have to fanny about finding change (or risk being clamped) go through the store to do some quick cheeky shopping elsewhere and when you get back you haven't got time to buy anything in Somerfield, in order to qualify for your parking ticket refund, for fear of those clampers....

Well it is nearly the summer holidays silly season so let's have a bit of light hearted fun shall we. This is a rare snap of one T blog whilst on holiday last year in Cornwall. If you look very closely you can see my house across the Camel estuary in Rock, earned from selling that first folio Shakespeare title I referred to in an earlier posting! Voted the best dressed man in Cornwall 2007 Tonbridge blog is wearing the very latest holiday fashions. Hair by Dennis at Retro 66 Barbers in Tonbridge High Street, sunglasses by Boots (possibly also Tonbridge High Street) beach shirt by Oxbow in some mad moment in some holiday surf shop, stylish shorts are Billabong, again bought in a mad moment in Pacific Blue, Tunbridge Wells. (I would have bought them in Tonbridge but, let's be honest, where from?!) hairy legs by my mother, and shoes by Teva (with Vibram sole no less) from a Welsh sports shop whilst at Hay on Wye Lit Fest earlier that year (Millets in Tonbridge High St are ok but didn't have anything quite so stylish. Sun cream: didn't wear any thus the red face and hair gel a mixture of salt and sand by the sea at Polzeath. Anyone requiring fashion tips please just leave comment below and please no sarcastic remarks, I take my fashion very seriously as you can see! It's always nice to be able to dress down and slob out when you're on your hols isn't it? What do you mean that's how I dress all the time you cheeky so and sos....

 

So now that we know the boys in blue are out in our town keeping us all safe what else is going on this week or are we all just winding down for the summer holidays? I'm due for a well earned break myself, thinking of North Norfolk, a camping tour of Cornwall, maybe even both. France would be nice as it's always nice to go overseas (or under tunnel at least) and it's not too far away. A bit of a rip off during the summer months though so I'll probably stick to good old Blighty and take the car and all the surfing gear and fishing nets and snorkels etc. Share a few holiday tips or stories with the other Tblog readers. Go on it might keep some people amused....

See earlier post for Tonbridge blog's first on the spot report! It just shows you how wrong you can be and how we mustn't jump to conclusions. After holding the two men in the red BMW for at least twenty minutes, and in hand cuffs, I've just seen the Police shaking hands with the two lads and sending them on their merry way; so I guess it must have been a letting off then....

Blimey another incident right under Tonbridge blog's nose; this really is too much excitement for a sleepy market town to bear! It was a fairly average, even slightly dull Tuesday until just a few minutes ago. This time a High Speed chase, albeit a short one, followed by a search, handcuffing and probable arrest of at least two men who were in the red car. You should be able to just about make them out in the photo. Lights blaring, siren whirring, five or six coppers in flack jackets. I don't mind telling you that I felt the adrenaline flowing and a strange urge to go in and help out. So imagine the excitement that the police must have felt. Is this Tonbridge or down town Miami?!

It seems that there could have been another major incident in Tonbridge, possibly even another murder; and down Church Lane of all places. If it weren't so serious it would remind one of an episode of Miss Marple or Inspector Morse. There were Police cars strung across the pavement, there were ambulances, white vans, detectives with clipboards surveying the crime scene, men and women in those white suits with hoods on that you see in Waking the Dead. But this was no TV programme this had happened right on our doorsteps in the centre of the old part on Tonbridge. The scene would appear to be the flats above the boarded up old shop on the corner of the lane leading to the Church and the High Street. Tonbridge blog will update you if any hard news surfaces. Has anyone else heard anything?...

Earlier this week Mr. Books Bookshop had around 5 Billy Bunter annuals stolen, all in lovely condition. There was a similar theft around two months ago, so I'm now thinking that either it's the same people stealing them, or there is a sudden rush on the Billy Bunter collectables market! I say to these toe rags who steal from small businesses: Sod off and go and steal from WH Smiths, who wouldn't even notice the loss; better still go to Saudi Arabia and steal something there and I'll come along and watch the trial and punishment! Anyway all of this comes back to haunt you as the man who stole a Shakepeare first folio ten years ago found out this week. The book was stolen from Durham University library and the Sunderland man had tried to sell it in the USA read the full story on the Telegraph web site here. He was arrested for stealing this book and, it seems, many others which is said to be worth up to £15million, such is it's scarcity. Well mate you nearly got away with it, but not quite. Stick to nicking old copies of the Beano next time, or I don't know, you could try just earning a living honestly like the rest of us....

Even when I'm happy people often say to me "Cheer up mate!" So I must appear to many as a miserable bugger. I'm not altogether sure that that's a fair assessment of my general mood but I do know that I can often be amused by the simplist and obscurist of things sometimes. Like earlier this week when I atttended the Slade School music evening and listened to all sorts of singers, choirs, recorder groups, piano scale players, flutists, even a clarionettist and some guitar players. There was a lot to take in and it was a warm afternoon, so you'll forgive me if I didn't give it my full attention for the whole two hours worth. I was however awoken from my semi comatosed state when one of the young guitar players began strumming some very recognisable notes. Dum da da, da da da dum da... yes it was the distinctive opening bars of the Strangler's well known 1970s hit "Walking on the Beaches (Looking at the Peaches)" I'm not sure how appropriate it was coming from a ten year old lad but it certainly made me chuckle....

We are a high achieving academic school. We prepare our students to achieve at least 2 A grades at GCSE; we want our children to enjoy life outside of the school curiculum whilst still achieving high grades. We are a highly sought after specialist performance arts school. We have a high level of pastoral care. Tonbridge blog has been visiting some of the local schools trying to select which one(s) are suitable for one of my kids. I have my strong views on the selection procedure etc. but, for a change, have decided to tread a little carefully on this subject (for now) So come on then, what do you all think? Is it right to have grammar schools at all? Should those grammar schools be able to be super selective from a very wide area, including out of county, or should they serve the local community first and foremost? Should boys and girls as young as 11 be encouraged to travel up to one and a half hours a day each way? Could their time be used better than this? Do schools really specialise in the subjects they say they do or is it just a way of seeking more grants? That's a lot of questions for a wet Wednesday morning so let's hear a few views; have your say....

Be careful out there on the information super highway! That's the message to all you fellow bloggers, Beboers, YouTubers and especially, it seems, Facebookers. You never know who's tuning in. You'd have thought that young Crystal Palace contender, Ashley-Paul Robinson would have realised that by telling his facebook friends list that he may be moving to London rivals Fulham he was also telling the whole football world. But apparently he didn't. I mean it would be a bit like me mentioning online to a few people who I know read Tonbridge blog that I was hoping to complete a buy out of John Adams bookshop shortly and then being annoyed that I'd let the information slip. It wouldn't be true but it would be a bit like it....

Has fresh evidence of the existence of the network of tunnels emanating from Tonbridge Castle finally been unearthed? Tonbridge blog likes to believe that there's no smoke without fire and that these tunnels do exist; laying dormant, waiting for hidden treasures to be revealed one day perhaps, as foretold in the wonderful book "Tonbridge Legends." The reason for my sudden exitement? They are digging up the road at the junction of Castle St and Bank St due to a supposed collapse of a sewer. A likely story! Sounds like a cover up job to me. I shall be keeping a close eye as events unfold in this latest twist in the mystery of subterranean Tonbridge. In the meantime, if you are driving, then avoid the area if you can as there'll be a one way system in place down Castle Street and you won't be able to access Bank Street for about two weeks; this is bound to cause near chaos up and down the High Street also. Oh what joy! It might be a good time to dust off that push bike....

Thrs a gr8 rticle on the Grdn www abt how th written word is bin ruined by texting. Actually it is saying the opp. that in fact it's a gr* eg of how the english lang is evolving. In fact, as the article points out this is nothing new. IOU was in use, for instance in the 1600s. I can well remember the Glam Rockers, Slade, with their "Gudbuy T Jane" and others trendily mispelt, in the 1970s, well before the age of the mobile phone. So I think I might set a challenge for you all. Come up with an short poem using texty type language; it concentrates the mind, have a go and I'll post the best few. As I said in the last posting: poetry can b v libr8in.... 

Does anyone know what happened around the Castle carpark yesterday morning? I've heard a rumour that a paedophile, who had been watching people in the nearby public lavs, may have been arrested. There were at least two Police cars and an ambulance on the scene and ty wenet away with sirens and lights ablazing....

And so Poetry at the Ivy came and went. There will be no August poetry night so it was nice to see a really good turn out and some more new faces. There must have been 25 people there; the trouble for me is that I never know whether they'll be 3 people of 33. I sort of compere the evening and fill in with some of my favourite poems (and, unluckilily for some, a few of my own!) when there are long pauses. As the drinks flow most people tend to loosen up and let rip sometimes with frivolous material, as it's easier to hide behind the cloak of comedy, but just occasionally with some deeply personal stuff. The first time I read one of this type of poem out was at the Sevenoaks Arts Festival about four years ago and I don't mind telling you I had to fight back the tears; I learnt an important lesson that day; some poems are for yourself and close friends, others are to be performed and shared. A similar thing happened at Thursday night's event when a youngish woman, who was there with her group of friends performed one of her's; it was moving, meloncholy and a rather erotic and dark poem but boy what a moment in the evening. She was clearly moved herself, as were most of her audience; she commented later that she felt really good and liberated to, as it were share her thoughts publicly. Actually, thinking about it it's not so very different a feeling from blogging, except there's no hiding if you blub half way through reading something out in front of a group of strangers. It takes guts sometimes but most people think it's worth it just to reach one or two people....

Oh yes. Nearly forgot to mention that Poetry at the Pub Summer Special is on tonight at the IVY HOUSE at 8pm in the main bar or possibly outside in the courtyard (if the smokers don't mind!) So come along and join us, bring a poem, bring some friends, bring some money to buy me a drink....

Fans of the BBC's hit programme The Apprentice will enjoy this zany Lego version; you can find more on YouTube. Tonbridge blog is thinking of applying to be on next years series; waddaya fink? Am I ruthless enough? Am I devious enough? Do I have the energy to mix it with those twenty somethings? Does Sir Alan want an old boy like me or is he an ageist?...

Tonbridge is crying out for an M&S in the town! Or at least that's what I always used to think; that a Marks and Spencers would symbolise that Tonbridge was a quality High Street and not one to be avoided by big name retailers. Now it seems that the store chain is in deep trouble and I'm not altogether surprised. They have just thrown away a million pounds by hiring and then firing (less than a year later) Steven Essom, formerly of Waitrose who got, get this, a "Golden Hello" of £500,000 and now, no doubt, has got a similarly ridiculous Golden Parachute! I wonder what the news of that has done for staff morale among the £6.50 an hour floor sales assistants. This is not just a cock up, this is an M&S cock up. When I worked in advertising for the Daily Mirrror a few years back we held discussions with the group in more rosy economic times, regarding them advertising in the Mirror, which we liked to call the "quality popular newspaper" M&S were embarking on their now famous campaign: This is not just cream, this M&S thick double cream from only the finest rare breed Highland cattle in the outer Hebredes! Okay they didn't go quite that far but almost. Do you know what they actually bought it and placed several expensive colur pages across Mirror Group's titles.  The problem wth M&S is that they just don't listen to market forces until it's too late. They used to lose bucket loads of customers, me included, for only taking M&S store cards and no other credit cards. They lost even more business, and still do to an extent, by pig-headedly refusing to stock lines other than their own label. They have relented a little more recently, but it's still too little too late. They have an old fashioned, middle market, middle of the road image which an awful lot of people have now switched off from. They don't know where they are going and it shows. If they ever do open a Tonbridge M&S, that is if John "I'm proud to stock Golliwogs" Bartram doesn't stand in their way I'll be queuing up for the job of Head of Strategy and my suitable Golden Hello, it would take me half an hour to tell them what they've pissed a million quid away to find out....  

Speaking of councils, Tonbridge blog loved the piece in the local rag over the weekend about the new name the council have dreamed up for Brain storming: "Thought showers" At first glance it seems like a fairly light hearted story and fairly slow news day stuff, but when you think about it it does typify the kind of time wasting that these very well paid people indulge in. If you didn't catch the story the gist is that certain do-goders in the council thought that "brain storm" might be offensive to people suffering from epilepsy! It seems that the people suffering from epilepsy hadn't even considered the matter as you can imagine (they probably have too many real problems on their plate.) The irony is that they probably had to have a "brain storm" to come up with the new name before they'd thought showered it! That said at least Tonbridge and Malling Borough Council are off the hook as it was Tunbridge Wells Borough Council's idea/brain storm/shower. It would be interesting to know when brain storm was invented and whether there was similar ridicule then. In my experience these ideas sessions are a complete waste of time anyway and just an excuse to procrastinate, but then that's just me. I'm just off to make a coffee and buy a few nice biscuits in wrappers to put on a plate, so I can have a storm/ ideas session/ thought shower/ thinking out of the box type meeting with myself to decide whether I should do any real work today or just keep blogging, or think of an entirely new direction for the business which I hadn't even considered; Hey you know what, there might be something in this blue sky thinking after all; careful though I don't want to offend people who like grey skies....

Tonbridge blog has reported the absence of adequate street lighting at the North end of town on a few occasions. The root of the problem seems to be that "the council" doesn't seem to know its arse from its elbow have worked out whose responsibility the lamps are; given that they are in the a conservation area (which is under review) in which case they might be Tonbridge and Malling Borough Council's responsibilty or whether they are just treated as part of "the Highways" in which case they are Kent Highway's (Kent County Council's) responsibility. Either way we still don't have any ruddy lights. Silverman's the jewellers have had two lights out on the Bank Street/High Street corner, right outside their shop for almost a whole year now. It really is pathetic and could make the area a haven for crime if they are not careful and don't sort out their act. How many council workers does it take to change a light bulb anyway? About 8,000 it seems, and they still haven't managed it! I've personally seen a letter from Steve Humphries, the Chief Exec of TMBC, who probably gets paid more than the Prime Minister and half the Cabinet combined, to Mrs Silverman in which he says the matter is in hand and being dealt with, and that he cannot understand why Kent Highways can't provide the right bulbs immediately; that was around two months ago and still nothing. I've also seen a reply from (don't forget the Sir) John Stanley, also nearly two months ago, who also says that he's looking into the matter and waiting for replies from the right people concerned, still nothing done, rien, nada, null. I know the council(s) are slow at the best of times, but really, these are light bulbs for Pete's sake!

Sorry the site seems to have gone down again; I must remember to put a few more 50p's in the slot toward the end of this month! You see the problem is that too many of you are logging on, some of you are even leaving comments and making the blog quite interactive and interesting, some commenters are talking to each other through Tonbridge blog and I'm sure that there has been at least one case of a cyber relationship developing (you know who you are) So all of you can you just stop it now, it's my blog, so why don't you all go and log on to Three Beautiful Things or Disgusted TW (a bit too twee and smaltzy for you are they?) Seriously though, there's always alternative Tonbridge blog, for which you'll find a link at the top of the list to the right and yes you can still access these when the rest of the site is down due to those money grabbing so and so's at 123-reg, the site admin people....