I'm told that last Saturday Folkstone Rugby Club were on the end of all the pent up frustration of players who had suffered their worst season ever last year. The Tonbridge Juddians clocked up a whapping 124 points to nil against the visitors in the first home league game of the season. It's too early to tell whether or not this means that all the hard work and recruitment of two professional coaches, not to mention the influx of some talented new players who have been enticed to join the club, has paid off but you have to say that the signs are pretty good!...

Blimey who'd be a pub landlord. This appears to be a genuine open letter to the boss of Enterprise Inns, who own the property and lease out three Tonbridge pubs to Colm Powel, a self proclaimed "Mad Irish Landlord" who has started a web site called Dying for the pub trade. I'm pretty sure that the three in question are the Punch and Judy, near the Police station, The Ivy House, and the, now closed, Station House. So incensed is he that he is prepared to go on hunger strike to make his point about the slow lingering death of the pub trade. Now that is mad! (And thanks to the anonymous commenter for drawing this one to my attention. Good luck to him because I'm sure it's a noble cause; although I would say that other pubs seem to make a bit more of an effort with service, I speak mainly of the Ivy House here, where I sometimes frequent. I like the place but it could be so much better with more attentive bar staff instead of a succession of ever changing student and foreign barmaids who, no doubt, do a great job during the couple of months they are there before they move on; and a manager who is actually there now and again would be nice. As for the Station House well I only went to that particular den of iniquity a few times and it's the closest Tonbridge had to one of those road houses you see on American films were they have pool table brawls and the regulars slap the barmaids on the butt at every opportnity and if they have live music on the band better be behind chicken wire for the bottles and cans of beer are sure to rain down on them (although probably not at their prices!) The P&J as it is now known, is probably the best run of the three, which isn't saying a great deal; and the food used to be very tastey. If you could actually breath in there (before the smoking ban) then that was an added bonus....

It hasn't reached their web site yet but I can exclusively reveal that Susan Adams has decided to call it a day on the annual Tonbridge Garden Show after 15 years of organising the event. She's apparently fed up with nanny state style safety regulations, such as having to call the traffic controller "Traffic Controller" instead of Pete or Andy, and having to put EXIT signs over the obvious exits of the marquee. She's sick of having to pay £45,000 in costs to put on the show and sick up to here of contractors taking the piss and being jobs worths, had it with the red tape of it all. In short she had enough, sick of it, fed up, pissed off with it. Do you get the idea! I'll be honest and say that, having taken a table at the last show and comparing it with the shows of ten years ago I would say that the event has seen its glory days, despite the claims of over 15,000 visitors, and it is probably a wise time to finish it. But good luck to Susan and Dick in their retirement; perhaps they can now just enjoy their own garden instead of worrying about sorting everybody else's out. So if you want to book a table for next year then make some other plans to sell your dodgy hard wood garden furniture; or if you were planning to go and buy a new chimaneya or new metal arbour arch tough luck buster; you'll just have to go to Notcutts in Pembury instead....

Nooooooo! Not KMFM!!!! They can't do it to us. Tonbridge it seems is about to loose it's friendly, purely local, radio station according to BBC Kent news. The Kent Messenger group are in trouble by all accounts and they have to go on a cost cutting drive to make ends meet. Tonbridge will almost certainly get the shitty end or the stick again I'm afraid, which means we'll loose the dulcet tones of the likes of Myma Seldon (pic) from our airwaves forever. Let's take to the streets, lets phone in like we've never phoned in before, let's all do our damnedist to save the stricken station from extinction....

  

Once upon a time, long, long ago.... actually it was on my recent holiday in Cornwall I was fortunate enough to stumble across a traditional evenings entertainment at a farm nearby where we stayed. Actually it was a farm shop and restaurant with the best home cooked food you could imagine but that's not the point of the story! In fact stories is the point of the story. One rainy night, for there were many on this particular trip, we went to see some storytellers, who told some traditional children's tales and some stories from Cornish folk lore. The few who had bothered to show up for this free entertainment, sat on hay stacks in a barn as two crooked and weathered looking old men (Mike and Dave to their mates, pictured) built up their tales, got to the guts of the story and delivered the finale, in one case complete with magicians fire (at least that's what I think it was) shooting out of his finger ends. I was so impressed that I googled them when I got back and found them on the Society of Storytellers web site and I've only gone and booked them for the West Kent Book Fair on Sunday October 26th haven't I. So at this years event, for the paltry 50 pence entrance fee, you'll have a choice of books from around 25 different book sellers from all over the SE, you'll be able to listen to and take part in an open mic poetry session, bring the kids along to childrens story time, take part in literary quizzes, listen to publishing advice, have books signed by up and coming local writers, play the world's first literary board game and now, (pause for breath) enjoy the ancient, almost forgotten art of storytelling which has been around far longer than even the written word. Come on what else are you doing that day?! I bet you can hardly wait! Put the X-box away, turn off the TV and get yourselves along there....

Matt from the Telegraph has been with the paper for a good many years now, in fact man and boy. He's easily my favourite cartoonist and in this dismal economic climate he must be surrounded by doom and gloom stories at the Torygraph. It's great to see that he hasn't lost it and only he could get away with this one:

But my favourite was a few days ago relating to the Hadron Collider which threatened to distroy the planet, if you believed some of the more extreme new reports; it must be nice in Matt's World:

Now MR. Books Bookshop does not make a massive profit. To be honest if I didn't love it I'd have given up the ghost a couple of years ago; the love of books and the hope that one day, just maybe, that missing original manuscript written in Shakespeare's own hand will be left in a dusty box outside the shop just before I open up for the day, keeps me going each day almost as enthusiastic as the first day the shop opened! So it's nice to know that, despite my meagre profits, I'm making more money than Lehman Brothers, Halifax Bank, AIG insurance, Morgan Stanley and a whole host of other so-called financial giants put together. It's hard to believe that they could all get it so spectacularly wrong. The secret of Mr. Books comparative success (I'll let you know, but don't tell anyone will you) I didn't expose the business to too much reliance on the global capital markets and sub-prime mortgages. I did think of going that route but decided against that particular business strategy. So now you know. You have to feel sorry for some of those young city boys being frog marched out of their Canary Wharf tower block and booted out into the real world don't you though. No? Me neither!...

No doubt the weather helped, but it was really great to see so many people out in Tonbridge over the weekend. National Heritage Day meant that several attractions were open for free. I didn't get time to go into the Castle Gatehouse this time, but having been up the tower several times before, I can tell you that it's worth it to see the spectacular views across the town and surrrounding countryside. I also poked my head into the parish church, where there was a craft exhibition on; the tapestries and childrens clothes were not especially my thing, but I was mightily impressed with the wood carvings of Joe King. So much so that I asked him if I could buy one of the ones on display (as I recall it was called "Energy") so impressed was I. He said that he's never tried to sell them, so couldn't give me a price; it seems he just does them for fun, because he wants to and he wouldn't want to be restricted to being commissioned or anything as commercial as that! It's really nice sometimes to meet people like that; so many people are trying to sell you something these days that Joe was a breath of fresh air on a warm Sunday afternoon. I was also impressed with the annual Art on the Railings exhibition, partly because some of the artwork is really quite good (I have been known to buy the odd piece knowing that I can't really afford it) but mostly because, just for a few fleeting minutes, as the sun glinted on the river below, and helped to add vibrance to the paintings, as the artists sat soaking up the sunshine looking dischevelled yet content, one felt a little ripple of that Rive Gauch, avant garde feeling. Maybe I'll put some books down there next year to add to the effect. It just showed how good Tonbridge could be with a little imagination.....

Tonbridge blog has gone over the half million mark, in fact way over with around 633,000 hits since it was launched in June 2006. Not quite YouTube or MSN but still not bad for a locally focussed daily rant. I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise if Tblog has offended anyone along the way. Sometimes I cannot control what I say; indeed it is to some extent my alta ego, my Emu to Rod Hull, my Orville to Keith Harris, my impressions to Rory Bremner, my Dame Edna to Barry Humphries, my Claire to that artist fellow Grayson Perry (you get the idea). It's kind of what you'd like to say if social convention allowed it. I'd probably let loose far more if you all didn't know who I am, but I have been "outed" long ago. Anyway please keep reading, hopefully being entertained, and especially keep commenting and letting everyone know your thoughts and I'll try to stop my alta ego from insulting you.....

And so fare well Bionic Records. Is this another nail in the coffin of Tonbridge High Street or is it just a sensible move my the couple who ran the business in recognition of the dramatically changed market for music? Personally I still think there's enough room for an independent record shop in the town, such is the market for collectable cd's and especially of vinyl. I understand that Bionic Mark and his Mrs. are going to continue with their lucrative fairs organising and trading in collectables, so good luck to them. It's just a shame that the business couldn't be sold and continued, maybe there's an opportunity there for someone with a bit of entrepreneurial flair, a love of music and more than a little courage....

When planning your weekend don't forget that it's National Heritage Weekend. They'll be a few places in Tonbridge open for free. Worth a look is the Castle tower, if you've never been up there you can see way over the surrounding countryside to the East and right over the North Downs and the top of Quarry Hill. Then there's the Oast House Theatre, the parish church craft fair, Art on the Railings, Somerhill House with it's picturesque park and gardens (all 150 acres of it) and there's quite a bit going on in the upstart daughter town also, so I understand. So don't bother going anywhwhere this w/e cos it's all happening right on you doorstep and it's all freeeeeee.....

Some friends of mine have just taken on an allotment for the princely sum of £16. I said that I thought £16 a month to be fairly reasonable and they replied, no that it was £16 a year! Blimey, is it worth the bother of collecting it? I thought, but it seems that that is the rate over at Trench Wood allotments. They intend to erect a shed and hire a flippin great plough machine to rotavate their patch. "How big an area do you get for your £16?" I enquired. "Five rod," came the reply. What the heck is a rod the rest of the gathering said almost in unison. We then had a rather light-hearted drunken conversion about rods, poles and perches with each of us having our own theory about the area a "rod" would cover. Some bright spark had the idea of looking in the dictionary! (why didn't the rest of us think of that?!)  It seems that they are all old fashioned agricultural terms for measurements of length, a rod being 5 and a half yards or 16 and a half feet. It also transpires that a rod of brickwork is a unit 16 and a half ft by 16 and a half ft by one and a half bricks thick, which equals 306 cubic feet of bricks (which has nothing to do with allotments but interesting none the less.) I'm looking forward to eating some of the produce from these rods next summer if my friends get their act together, so get digging girls....

At the risk of sounding like a prize bore, here's an interesting snippet for you. You may have been forgiven for thinking that the global sports and fashion brand Nike had just plucked their name out of the air. But no it appears that someone had a bigger brain wave than you may have given them credit for, if indeed you've ever thought about it at all. Nike is a well chosen name because, if you know your mythology, Nike was the Goddess of Victory. She was the Daughter of Pallas, a giant and she's represented as a winged figure holding a palm branch and shield (no swoosh in sight though!) They should get a big tick for that in my book. It's amazing what they know in Christopher Hull Sports shop in Tonbridge High Street.... Sorry we've only got what's out on the shelf, but did you know that Reebok was the Greek God of athletics....

One of our anonymous commenters has accused Tonbridge blog of disappearing into thin air. Bloomin cheek. This is not a job you know, I do this in my spare time and it just so happens that I haven't had a great deal of that recently ok, not that I'm being defensive or anything! So for his/or is it her benefit he goes: Tonbridge blog wants to complain...bla bla bla.....the traffic wardens are at it again....bla bla....the council don't know their elbow from their bla bla bla....what we need is better infrastructure bla bla bla.... what about that link road that's been planned for more than 30 years bla bla bla.... why are all the shops closing bla bla... you can't find a menswear shop for love nor money, no wonder everyone pisses off to Bluewater and Tunbridge bla bla...why is no one bovvered any more about their town bla bla.... why do we need parking charges anyway bla bla bla bla.... that should keep you going for a bit!!..

I have seen the future and it is murder! So goes the the Leonard Cohen song and if you've ever been to Future World near the Lizard in Cornwall you'll know what he meant. Here's a vision of what it could be like if we let robots take over the planet. Before you know it they'll be doing Gene Kelly and Bob Deniro impressions....

This fellow spotted at Mullion Cove on my recent holiday must be barking mad! Oh that's right, it wasn't a fellow at all but an amazing acrobatic black Labrador called Barney who has created a new Olympic sport: Dog Diving. Marks out of ten for artistic impression? When interviewed after his dive about the condition of the sea Barney replied "ruff!" It's incredible what a dog will do for a rubber ball....

What's on in Tonbridge? Well quite a few things actually. There's Heritage weekend on the 13th and 14th of this month, Tonbridge Castle, Somerhill, the Parish Church and other local buildings will be opening their doors free of charge as part of this. So if you ever fancied going to the top of the Castle and having that superb panoramic view across the town and the surrounding countryside, but where too tight to fork out for the gatehouse tour then now's your chance. The same weekend there's Art on the Railings, hosted by the so-called Platonic Artists Sue Vass and Wendy Asprey, which brings a flavour (ok a pinch) of the Rive Gauch to our fair town. Go down to the river, beneath the Castle and you'll be able to view (perchance to buy) some really quite stunning artwork mostly by artists who actually make a living from it. No disrespect to Tonbridge Art Group and the like, but your stuff is relatively crap and their's is pretty good and thought provoking. Not forgetting Poetry at the Ivy which is this Thursday at the Ivy (funnily enough) 8pm in the main bar. Read out a couple of poems, chill out with a few beers, or wines, have a chat with some fellow poetry fans. You'll everything from hip hop and spoken word, Scrubious Pip-type material to Shakepeare and Shelley. Come along and grab yourself some culture before the new Autumn TV schedule sucks you in to a life of couch potatoery....

The kids are mostly back at school now, give or take the odd private school whose holidays seem to go on forever, and I still get that nervous feeling myself. I felt nervous for my children last night and I had butterflies this morning as well. It was almost as if I were the one who would be meeting my new teacher, as if I'd be starting my GCSE subjects and be on the long winding road to A levels, perhaps university and a postgrad course; not to mention having to choose a career and meeting a girl/boy of your dreams, marriage, children of their own and all those responsibilities. But then again, the wild parties, the lifelong friends still to meet, the rock concerts, the girlfriends/boyfriends along the way, Olympics 2012? (who knows) the gap year travel, that first job in London, learning to drive, their first flat and home, ah independence....

So to cheer you all up here's a picture taken through my car windsreen of Polzeath bay on my recent holiday in Cornwall because, as we all know, the weather is best in the west!...